


Vindication and Frailty

by obsessivelyintrigued



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Altered Events, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Compliant, Codependency, Comfort/Angst, First Order!Poe, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, knightpilotweek, vindication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-07-16 05:12:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7253839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obsessivelyintrigued/pseuds/obsessivelyintrigued
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben Solo was absolute, the way he was raised will not be a hindrance but will serve as a fuel to what he believes.</p><p>And Poe Dameron is weak against him.</p><p>Years later, will the best pilot in the First Order change the course of Kylo Ren's actions?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vindication and Frailty

**Author's Note:**

> For _Monday:_ Vindication.
> 
> Part of a series for knightpilotweek, focusing on the events starting from this fic.

" _Hearts are wild creatures, that's why our ribs are cages."_  -Elalusz

 

**I.**

He was shivering so hard, harder than ever before. The sheer and sudden drop of temperature attempting to reach his core is numbing; almost to the point where he thought to just lie there and die.

Just like the others.

Poe shuts his eyes for a moment and take a deep, shuddering breath. He can feel a pair (or was it pairs?) of eyes trained on him, watching his every move. He released the breath he was holding and frowns at the gust it formed on the cold air. Gulping nervously, he called out to the gaping abyss that barely resembles the Jedi Temple he remembers, "Ben!"

A dark hooded figure he didn't notice was in front of him before, turned to look fully at him. He can barely make out the brown eyes beneath the hood, shining in a way he can't recognize anymore.

"What happened?"

"You know what happened."

"Ben, I- kriff!" Poe shakes his head as though the gesture will erase what has transpired. "This is-"

"Not me?" Ben asked, his voice bordering on mocking that is all new to Poe, "He was right when he said you'd say that." He shook his head as he move closer to him, removing his hood with both hands. "I know. And I'm sorry you have to see the result."

Huffing a disbelieving breath, Poe takes a step back every time Ben takes one forward. The action bearing an odd resemblance to when they first danced after taking lessons, Ben having to take it and Poe joining in for fun. "This is wrong, Ben. I thought you wouldn't do it, I thought you're stronger than that. I know you wouldn't do this. I-I ..."

"I didn't." Ben said, voice barely above a whisper, like he's sharing a secret. Letting the comment on his capabilities slide off of their conversation, "The others did, my responsibility was different."

Poe, then, became sure of the presence around them. Other Force-users watching their exchange. He clenched his fist as he continue to stare at Ben, the pained look in his eyes is still there. And Poe knows this act only magnified it.

He remembers their last conversation, Ben asking Poe to come with him, to keep him safe. He should have read between the lines but Poe was too preoccupied to notice what was really happening and just let the invitation slide, shrugging it off for another time. Then Ben let him come and see this.

The pool of light robes darkened by the low light is almost suffocating. The scattered, limp bodies disturbing. And yet, Ben continues.

"Just come with me. I'll keep my promise. I'll keep you safe."

Poe shifts his gaze from their surroundings back at Ben, locking his gaze with him.

"You're smart, Poe. You know this would be the best."

"No." Poe said on gritted teeth. "You're not the Ben I know. You're not him."

Ben smiles that small smile he reserves to Poe and the young pilot feels his heart flutter despite himself. "Denial. That's the first step. We're getting there, Poe."

 

 

 

**II.**

"Set the coordinates to Jakku, commander. Something we own is hidden there." Kylo Ren said to his personal pilot, Commander Poe Dameron.

The pilot grins, punching the coordinates on the console as they jump into hyperspace. The stormtroopers around them still as a statue as Ren continues to stand behind him. "So what's in there, Ben?"

Poe feels a pleasant shiver of satisfaction run up his spine at the sound of Ren's exasperated breath. The taunting still not getting old despite their years of being together.

From the rising up to the ranks of the First Order to slaying other pilots with his incredible abilities and earning his own squadron. From having to suppress his thoughts until he have the right title to speak up until achieving just that and proving to the General that he is more than Kylo Ren's favoured pilot. And to the point where he can do anything he wants without looking back. To constantly just stay in the present and forget the past, to not mind the future for it is what to come.

He savours almost every minute of every day when he finally felt free. But he can't always ignore the nagging feeling of 'what if' and his family, the people he let down for when he chose this.

When he chose Ben.

"The map to Skywalker." Ren said, the mechanical voice still grating to Poe. "It's there."

Poe stilled his hands, clenched his jaw and relaxes, before setting his palms on his lap. He slowly turns to his seat, looking up at Ren as his huge frame shields them and their conversation from others. "Are you sure?"

"I know it's there. That old man, Lor San Tekka have it."

Biting his lip, Poe raises his chin in contemplation. Ren has been stressed recently, more aggravated and intent at finding the map. Which led to a lot of destroyed First Order equipments, nights of rigorous training and a lot of jumping from one star system to another. If this is true, Ren, and in turn, Poe, will have a good rest for a few weeks or so.

Given that, of course, the map is really there.

"We'll just have to get there before the Resistance does." Poe said. He never says, "your mother", he never does. Because that's another thing you don't say to Kylo Ren. You don't talk about his family. You don't talk about his past. You just listen to him, answer to him or you will meet the end of his lightsaber.

And another thing about being free is that you never talk of the past.

Not this time. Nor ever.

 

 

**III.**

Poe stayed back when they landed on Jakku.

The view he has of the wretched, hot planet is enough for him to know that the Resistance got there first.

Noting the x-wing the moment he got a first look on the land, he gave a curt shake of head to which the Force-user silently acknowledged as he continues to pace back and forth on the bridge and waits for the ship to properly land.

When the ramp lowers, Poe watch as stormtroopers paint the dark scenery with their uniform and anonymous armors, the quick trajectory of the blaster fire before it hits its target is like a brush touching the canvass and painting its desired effect. Anyone who tries to fight back was quickly shot down as the rest of the screaming and frantic villagers was cramped in a group on the center; like the fire on a bonfire night. He squints his eyes to see Kylo Ren, his hands into fists on his sides. His head turning from side to side until he saw Lor San Tekka being brought before him and walked mid-way to meet the old man.

Poe picks up his blaster when the x-wing was loaded. But two stormtroopers shot the engine, successfully crippling the aircraft. Poe observes with keen interest as a man hopped down, then ran to inspect his engine, deeming it not usable and disappeared to the side where Poe lost sight of him.

Switching his attention to Ren and Tekka's exchange, Poe grimaced at the blatant disapproval and barely hidden disappointment on the man's face. An old thought passing through his mind,  _what would his father think?_

He closed his eyes when Ren brought up his lightsaber, fully knowing what would happen next. Never showing this soft side of his to anyone, not even to his Ben. Being in the First Order, you can never show any sign against violence. Or else you're weak, and you don't deserve a place on their too prestigious, political, and bloody ranks.

His eyes shot open when he feels something strong around him and he watch as Ren stopped a blaster shot in mid-air and a man freezes in his steps, gritting his teeth as his body refused to move.

Poe stood up, hands resting on the console as he leans to get a better look. He seems familiar to him, like he knows him from another time, from another world. His ebony skin glinting with sweat and Poe feels a pang of anger as two troopers drag him away and brought down to his knees before Kylo Ren.

Feeling another pang of emotion, this time nervousness as the man bravely juts his chin up to Ren in challenge. Obviously challenging the Force-user into something and Poe worries for him. Knowing fully well what Ren can do, Poe is sure he will give extra effort into getting the thing he wants from this man. Especially the map.

Most definitely the map.

When the troopers dragged the man up again and escorted him to the shuttle, Poe returned to his seat, relaxing his posture and easily turning away from the scene. He greets their prisoner with interested eyes despite him not giving the pilot a second glance.

Poe can only hope this is the right time for what he's been wanting to do for a long time.

 

 

 

**IV.**

Poe fidgets on his seat at the debriefing with Hux.

Since Ren can't be bothered to do these things, as somewhat of his most trusted company and perhaps he also feels obliged to do so since the beginning, Poe attends it himself. Saying things he knows Ren might say and avoid those he might like to keep to himself or only for his own master.

This instance is like those times when Poe is thankful he was taught how to control his thoughts.

"Yes, General. And he is interrogating his prisoner as of this moment. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to watch." Poe grins cockily at Hux before standing up and walking away.

But instead of going to the interrogation chamber, he proceeded to his quarters. Pacing back and forth, Poe cupped his chin with his fingers, thinking. 

It has been a long time since he realized this is all wrong. From the moment his squadron got their first mission and he led them to terrorize a planet who supports the Resistance, he knows he should do something. But a load of things is making him stand back and think. Think and plan, think if this is truly what he needs to do.

Thoughts of Yavin IV floods his mind. Lazy days under the Force-sensitive tree, carefree and with all the time in the world. The innocence of a child and how he holds that treasure so dear after all he had seen. Wishing he could take back that innocence, anything to have what was once before.

But things are holding him back. His rank in the First Order, giving that up and turning himself over to the Resistance - even if that's Leia Organa, their general - will mean imprisonment and possible death sentence. The thought of seeing his father again after disappearing, he doesn't even know if Kes knows he's in the Order, the very thing he fought for Poe to have the freedom he experienced. How sad and angry his father would be, that Poe can take, but the utter disappointment of someone like his father will just add up to his own, and he doesn't think he can bear that at all.

Then Ben, he's here because of Ben. Because he is frail when it comes to him. Always have been, always would be. Weak against his whims and thoughts, because he wants to be with him. They both want to be together. It was like once you mixed oil and water, it'll be hard to separate it using conventional methods, and you will have to do something more extensive and intricate to separate them. Something that will hurt both, something that will not let the other come back or come for the other.

But most of the times, they are like the two sides of the same coin. Impossible to separate, too dependent on the other. Practically existing to satisfy each other.

And despite both of them knowing it’s not healthy, they still continue it.

Poe is the closest thing Ben have for love. Almost like a substitute because Poe isn't sure of Ben's emotions. Never has been, even now when he calls himself Kylo Ren and only let Poe call him  _Ben._

And Poe finally sees himself surging out of the water, suddenly having his nerves fired up again. The seemingly endless moment finally ending and he can't help but hold his breath for what could happen. Thoughts racing in all directions as to what the consequences would be, and yet he finds himself not worrying of the more terrible ones - ones that he would get himself hurt, ones that would make all his hard work turn into ashes and just be a particulate in the air, a rotting disappoint whispered among the First Order, all because of what he can and would do - in the end, he is more terrified of the crack this would put on his relationship with Ben, the distance it might put between them if he happens not to agree with him. But whatever  _might_ happen, he sees this opportunity as something to save them both.

Even if Ben wouldn't see it as that.

But they exist for the other.

And wherever the other goes, the other one will follow.

 

 

  **V.**

Poe feels his skin itching beneath the armor, and he finds his hand holding the blaster suddenly uncomfortable at its position of always ready to pull the trigger. Adrenaline rushes through his veins as he moves down corridors until he reaches his destination. He took a deep breath before opening the chamber, speaking briefly to the guarding officer.

"Ren wants the prisoner."

The trooper just gave him a nod without any other questions, which made him frown at the obvious incompetence and fear of Kylo Ren and also satisfied because it made his agenda easier.

Once he clutched the prisoner's arms, he had to stop himself from turning to look fully at him. Not yet, just a few more steps. Then he shoved them down to a small hidden space and removed his helmet. He saw the man's eyes widen in recognition and Poe can't help but smile at his reaction. "Shocking, huh?"

"You're the pilot."

"Better question is, are  _you_ a good pilot?"

When the other didn't answer, Poe continued. "I'm Poe Dameron. When you go back to the Resistance tell them that, and that Ben is alive. You'll tell them that above all else, above whatever you know. Understand?"

"What's in it for me?"

"I think you should tell me your name first, flyboy."

"Finn." The man-  _Finn,_ answered, doing that jutting of chin in a challenge again and Poe had to suppress another smile. He can see why Ren crouched down to look at this man when he was shoved to kneel before him earlier. "Tell me,  _flyboy."_

"Nothing else aside from the fact that it'll get you out of here."

Finn paused for a moment, and Poe can almost see the gears working on his mind. Then he clenched his jaw and said. "I'm a pilot."

"You're a pilot."

Poe grins before putting the helmet back on, he walked them out of the small, cramped space and back to the corridors, walking down calmly despite him practically vibrating with adrenaline.

He recognized a few officers below his rank and sighed when none of them questioned him or the prisoner. Finn's battered appearance probably more than enough of them. 

He surreptitiously walked them to the hangar, muttering under his breath. "Not yet, not yet. Not that one, that one sucks."

"Did you pilot all of these already?"

"Don't talk too loud-"

"You're the loud one!" Finn countered, his teeth gritted as he kept clenching and opening his fists; his binds already unlocked.

"This one." Poe said, "Go, go, go."

They quickly ran to the side, Poe slipped inside the TIE fighter, grasping Finn's arms. "Tell them what I said, promise me?"

Finn nodded and said, "Thank you."

Poe refused to acknowledge the sentiment. He knows he is not fully doing this for Finn, he is doing this for himself; to save his own and what he cares for. Finn just happens to be there, at his odd way of interpreting the 'right time' and the 'right place'. "The TIE won't immediately fly away, it's practically attached to the hangar so you'll have to destroy that. But before that, destroy the command center, and shoot down as many troopers as you can. You hear me?"

"Yes,  _I will."_ Finn said with such conviction that made Poe wonder where that conviction have gone hiding within himself, or did he let it loose and got lost in this world?

He didn't say anything else. Instead he got out and hide among the sea of working troopers on the hangar until Finn's TIE zoomed away, then destroyed the command center, shooting down troopers that had come to stop him, Poe one of them. Only in failed attempt, intending only to make sure that Finn got out safe. 

When TIE pilots started running in to give chase, Poe got out. Using unused corridors and immediately went back to the trooper's quarters where he stole the armors. He got out in his usual uniform, black jacket and belt sans the leather gloves he refused to wear at all the unnecessary times.

He smoothly walks in to the bridge, looking at monitors and blinks rapidly when Finn's TIE was shot down and was sent ricocheting back to Jakku.

Now, Poe can only hope he is still alive.

 

**VI.**

He waits inside his quarters, thumbing through his datapad. He knows Ben will come here soon, complaining about the escaped prisoner and Poe had to calm his thoughts the best as he can.

Because no matter how good he is at silencing his thoughts to the extent of his capabilities, it will never be a match against Ben's.

Ben often tells him he is one of the best pilots because he is more attuned to the Force than everyone else. More adept to it. Which is why both of them uses their capabilities to its extent and for their own advantages.

The door hissed open and Poe sighed, leaning back to the headboard of his bed. Raising his gaze to meet Ben's as he removed his mask. 

"The prisoner escaped!" Ben shouted, letting his mask fall to the cold floor.

"He'll just come running back to his hole, Ben." Poe said, patient. He holds out his hand in an invitation, "And we know where it is."

"No." Ben frowns as he shed his robes, then his belt; letting them all fall to the floor, creating a messy pool of black. "He'll be back on Jakku, to get the droid."

Poe raises an eyebrow at the remark and asks, "What droid?"

"The one with the map." Ben said. Poe usually savours this moments, when Ben let all else fall off his shoulders, when he let himself resemble the Ben from  _before._ When he shows Poe he is still Ben despite preferring to be called Kylo Ren. 

But right now, his thoughts where disturbed by that droid. And how it affects everything.

Crawling to rest beside Poe, Ben let his head fall on the pilot's shoulders. "We'll leave in a couple of hours, when the useless troopers come back and tell us they found nothing."

Poe can hear him talking, but not what he's saying. His mind now a jumble of thoughts stuck on a traffic jam, all failing to reach its destination. Because of all the plans, how could he miss a droid?

He felt a pair of lips kissing the corner of his mouth, “What are you thinking about?" Ben asked, whispering.

"Nothing." Poe whispers back and turned to kiss him fully. Slowly at first, chaste; always savouring the first, soft ones. Then Poe pushes back, lifting a hand to rest on Ben's shoulder as the other thread through his thick hair. But Ben pulls back, eyes squinting as his brows furrow in confusion.

"Something is bothering you."

Poe had to stop himself from cursing their bond, how they are so attuned to each other no matter the distance. "It's nothing. Don't worry." He resumed kissing the taller man, lightly biting at his lower lip until he opens his mouth and Poe can taste him. The thrill of kissing Ben running through him all over again. His sheer coldness in appearance slipping off when Poe finally touch his warm skin, his lips on his own. And Poe swallows every little moans and gasps as he slowly slide them down on the bed, resting on top of Ben as the other places his hands on his hips.

Biting lightly at Ben's lower lip, eliciting a gasp from the other man, Poe smiles on the kiss before moving to place feather light kisses on his cheeks, his jaw and neck; sucking at his pulse point and groaning as Ben runs his fingers through his hair. Tightening his grip when Poe bit at the juncture of his neck and shoulders.

"P-poe." Ben said, releasing another small gasp when Poe moves his lips down to his chest, sucking and biting. "Poe, stop."

Poe blinks, then slowly raises his head. He locked eyes with Ben before asking, "What is it?"

"Tell me  _what it is."_

 

**VII.**

"How can you do that, Poe?" Ben asked, oddly and suspiciously calm but Poe can't feel anything from him.

"You're smart, Ben. You know this would be the best." Poe said, referencing their conversation from years ago. It was a light blow, but he can see the change in demeanor on his partner. The tell-tale signs, his eyes. It was  _always_  his eyes. 

"And because it's the right thing to do."

 

**Author's Note:**

> dont forget to check out the other's work officially reblogged [here](http://knightpilotweek.tumblr.com/)
> 
> As always, comments and/or kudos are welcome! Love you all <3
> 
> [[[I cant make BB-8 a baddie droid, he's too pure]]]


End file.
